My Rwandan Children…
2 November 2009
By Gavin Sword KF9 Rwanda
I know this is not the first time that I’ve mentioned that my children are Rwandan. We adopted Savilla and Christian in 2006 when they were both babies. Our girl turns 4 this month while our boy is a few months past 4. They are the cutest, most adorable little people one could ever hope to know. They are loving and friendly, kind to each other and to the people they meet. Part of the reason I wanted to come to Rwanda as a Kiva Fellow was so that they could have the opportunity to spend time in the country of their birth. To give them a chance to learn the language, make Rwandan friends and live in a land of people who look just like them (not the case in our current home, Vancouver, Canada). Our thinking was not that they would necessarily fully remember the experience, but that it could inform their identity and give them a sense of belonging. Well, this was the idea anyway.
For our part, my wife and I have been making an effort to immerse the children in the culture. We enrolled them in a local preschool, we chose to ‘home stay’, meaning, we live in the lovely guesthouse of a (delightful) Rwandan family in their large and comfortable compound on the outskirts of Kigali. This family has 3 children, ages 6, 12 and 13 who are now on school break and love to spend time with our little ones. Their two older cousins act as babysitters for us, and we are encouraging them all to speak Kinyarwanda with our children.
To their credit, our kids have really made an effort to learn the language (as much or more than I have so far!), which delights everyone they meet. And they are making friends, but even though they have made new friends in Rwanda and they are undoubtedly Rwandan by birth, they are still viewed differently. It is not a friendship like one would experience in the West – it is hard to describe. The fact is that they have many ‘friends’; they are very popular because they are different, though they look the same. In some sense, I sometimes fear they are more like curiosities–amusing to the other children. They don’t really blend in – I have encouraged them to stop assuming other kids know all about the Jonas Brothers.
My point is we no longer have ‘Rwandan’ children–even at just four years old, they are Westerners now. To me this feels sad, but short of moving here for good, I can’t see how to change it. Then again, we’ve only been here one month and who knows what another 2 months will bring. Though, if I told them that we could fly home tomorrow they would jump with glee – of that I’m certain.
So this is the real truth. After (just) one month, this profound life-changing experience for our children is not happening like we expected or planned or hoped. Drat! At times it feels like we are managing their impressions of this experience, which feels a bit forced/awkward.
As much as we try to convey that Rwanda is not better or worse than Vancouver, New York, or Naples, Florida (our previous hometowns) they aren’t buying it. These are very sweet, candid, perceptive and loving children. Being immersed in such a now-foreign land for them has amplified their ongoing, unfiltered commentary, asking questions that are at times adorable and others cringe-worthy beyond the normal bounds that most parents expect to endure. And as parents we are doing our best to offer real answers but sometimes it’s just not easy. Allow me to list a few below.
Why are there so many bugs here? Why do the buses travel packed with people like that? Why aren’t they using forks and knives? Why does he/she smell so bad? What happened to his face/leg/arms? This place is filthy, isn’t it? Where are those kids’ parents? Why aren’t they wearing clothes?. Why is there no TV? Why does the power always go out? Why is everyone staring at you (Dad)? Why do people live in such small houses? I don’t like the smell of this place. (When beggars run up to our car)– What are they trying to give us? Why is our house (which is HUGE by Rwandan standards) so small? Why is the bedding so scratchy? My pillow is too thin. Why do we have a guard at our house? Why does he live outside in a hut? And why is our fence so high? Why do fences have pieces (shards) of glass on the top of them? Why is there no hot water for baths? Why can’t we drink the water? Why doesn’t anyone have any good toys to play with? Why do people carry things on their heads? (They love this skill and are practicing it daily with random, unbreakable, household objects) I don’t like all the mosquitoes, why so many? (Walking is a big part of the culture here and any distance beyond half a kilometer, our children begin to behave like it’s a death march) Why is it so far? My legs are too tired, you have to carry me! (Which seems a bit cushy given that many kids their age and younger are walking FAR greater distances.) Why is the money so dirty? Why are the roads so bumpy? Why do you and mommy want to live here? When do we go home? We don’t really like it in Rwanda.
We tried to enroll them in Karate the last two weeks (a bit ambitious at 3 and 4 when the average age was 7 or so). They hated it. They lacked the ‘discipline’ of the Rwandan children who do as they are told without a break (for 2 hours!). This did not work so well with little Christian and Savilla, after the novelty of the new karate uniforms wore off (30 minutes or so, they were quite ready to leave and cried until I came to get them). So, now, I am looking for a soccer group for them to join of their own ages and think that might be a better solution. Fewer drills, more free form. Also, I am tending to think that the expatriate community may be an easier one to blend with even though it feels like a cop-out or missed opportunity to engage in the Rwandese culture. But at this point I just want them to have a good time and positive memories. For me, living in Rwanda isn’t easy either and having the constant questions and unintended criticisms to thoughtfully respond to is exhausting. Work at my MFI is a cakewalk compared to handling the kids in this culture. It’s hard enough to have many of their thoughts in my own head, never mind voiced within earshot of other locals who are often mightily intrigued by whatever response we offer.
Was it a mistake bringing them here? Should we have waited till they were older and let it be their decision to come back here and not ours? Am I just not answering their questions well enough or maybe being too honest? Perhaps 3 months is not long enough for them to really immerse themselves in Rwandan life – or way too long for their first visit and just a two-week trip would have sufficed? Have we raised entitled, wimpy North American kids already!? I surely hope not.
As an aside, we recently returned to the austere but loving orphanage where we got our children, and it was a deeply moving experience. Not so much for our children–they were happy to be the stars of the show among hundreds of kids. They handed out candies and treats and enjoyed the attention. On the wall of the room full of cribs was a photo of our family, sent from a happy Christmas in Florida, collaged with other photos of families of adopted children abroad. A symbol of hope for those still there, though we learned that out of 140 children only 6 were slated for adoption this year. For my wife and I, it was a moment that will take time to process. Maybe that is the whole point of this, we are trying to process and understand this experience for our children. They are just being kids, asking lots of questions/making comments. If we just relax a bit more, it mightn’t be such a big deal. Rwanda will always be a part of their life even though this experience is not unfolding quite the way we expected. As they say in Kinyarwanda; Ibyiza biri imbere – ntugire ikibazo. Roughly translated into English it means; No need to worry – everything is going to be just fine”
So I’ll end with a little story. As I mentioned, we live in the guesthouse of a Rwandan family. The little boy, six-year-old Jimmy, is very fond of our four-year-old Christian. Jimmy is learning to speak and write English and last night he made a big deal about coming over to give Christian a note-card he had written to him that read:
Dearest Christian,
How nice that you are here.
You and I will never be friends.
God Bless, Jimmy
Christian, of course, was thrilled when I read it to him (slightly corrected).
How nice that we are here, indeed.
Please consider a loan to an entrepreneur funded by Vision Finance Company in Rwanda – if there are no loans listed on the site for funding, please check back again in a day or so and we will have uploaded more inspiring stories. We are short staffed and working as hard as we can to get as many worthy people funded as possible.
Also, you could join the VFC Lending Team which is a small but growing group of individuals committed to allocating their interest free – karma rich cash to the inspiring entrepreneurs of Rwanda. Or, if you’re new to Kiva – why not join today!
PS – Gavin is beginning to meet with clients in the field and wanting to share the connection of being a fellow entrepreneur he is having a devil of a time explaining that he sells motorized shades.
Entry Filed under: KF9 (Kiva Fellows 9th Class), Rwanda, Vision Finance Company s.a. (VFC), a partner of World Vision International. Tags: Gavin Sword, KF9, Kigali, kiva.org, microfinance, Rwanda, Vision Finance Company.
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1. Elliott | 2 November 2009 at 09:47
Hi Gavin,
I am not surprised by the culture shock Christian and Savilla are experiencing. I’d be reacting same way if I were in their shoes. It just goes to show you that we are products of our environment. So as they grow and mature, I am convinced that the connection they have with our family will be of great value in instilling their sense of self pride as people of color. That’s why attending family reunions and visiting their extended family in Baltimore and NY is important. But, I am convinced, there is great value in what you are doing. If not for them, for you and Leslie.
2. Ann | 2 November 2009 at 10:06
I don’t think there is any ‘best’ way to do what you are trying to do. Kudos to you for even trying. For what it’s worth, I’ve heard that older kids tend to actually have a harder time since they are less shielded by the parents. So I don’t think that waiting until they were older would have helped.
But I think you are wise to want to make their stay enjoyable, even if it means compromising in terms of how pure their experience is. After all, if they have fun, they will be more likely to want to return in the future.
3. Suzy Marinkovich | 2 November 2009 at 10:43
I just want to commend you and your wife for undertaking this challenge and bringing Christian and Savilla to Rwanda to learn more about the culture they came from. I really, really look up to you both and hope that someday my husband and I will be as great of parents as you and your wife are.
Those questions were heart wrenching to read, but at the same time it is truly special seeing and learning Rwanda through the eyes of your children. I am sure it is exhausting, and I am so humbled by your heart, which is completely in the right place. I am sure as they grow older, things will make more sense. And maybe someday when they are all grown up, they will become Kiva fellows in Rwanda, too
love to you and your beautiful family!!
4. Jan & John, KivaFriends | 2 November 2009 at 12:07
we speak glibly about ‘cultural differences’ but ‘out of the mouths of babes’ comes the real meal deal. I think these children are fortunate to have such loving parents who are trying so hard to ‘do the right thing’. I am holding your family in my heart and sending you much strength, jan
5. bkbriankelly | 2 November 2009 at 12:25
great post gavin, a peak into the experience of living abroad I would never have imagined or understood. you’ve got a lot on your plate while youre there but i’m sure with your superhuman status it will all work out in the end…..keep it up
p.s. i bought your old laptop on ebay for $50
6. Bryan G | 2 November 2009 at 12:37
Gavin, of all the thoughts and emotions this incredible post brought to me, I think Ill just restate something we all already knew…you are a champion! As are your wife and beautiful kids, and youll all be better because of this exerience…dont ever doubt yourself.
7. Alan | 2 November 2009 at 17:09
wow insanely great entry gavin. seriously.
8. Nilima, KF8 Bolivia | 2 November 2009 at 19:20
Gavin,
As you said yourself, don’t worry!! Remember that your children are just that—children! My parents are immigrants from India and I grew up in the U.S. When they would take me to India as a child, I had the exact same reactions as your kids; I thought India was dirty, crowded, and stressful, and I was happiest in an air-conditioned McDonalds. Though I didn’t appreciate it then, I now have a firm sense of my identity and a deeper understanding of different cultures because of those trips. I can adapt to developing countries so well now that I was a Kiva Fellow. Though it doesn’t seem like it, they are soaking in every little bit too, and it’s definitely going to shape them for the better.
Good luck!
9. Bob | 2 November 2009 at 19:23
Gavin, I was in Rwanda for two weeks this summer. While I was there I met an aspiring entrepreneur who was struggling to get some startup capital. I would like to help him but would like an organization such as VFC/Kiva to qualify and manage the loan. How can I best connect him to VFC and then fund him if he is load application is accepted. Thanks, Bob
10. Gavin | 9 November 2009 at 07:09
Bob,
It is best for him to go to a local branch of VFC in Kigali (there are two) and begin the ‘application’. I don’t have any pull at all in terms of approval. I do know that they are open to lending to people with skills, work ethic and determination. Hope that helps.
Kindly, Gavin
11. Mary Jo Terrill | 2 November 2009 at 21:57
Great blog…..I can understand how hard it must be. Good for you for trying this though. My son is there working now. Steve Terrill. MAybe you will run into him. I work there when I can. 3 families from here just moved there for 2 years and 1 plans to adopt a baby. They would benefit from meeting you….wonderful folks. Carter Crockett is one of the men…..www.karisimbipartners.org is their group. They are living near other Americans….kids are in school…not sure of their address. There goal is to help strengthen local businesses. I’ll bet you would have a lot to share.
Mary Jo Terrill, RN Santa Barbara, CA
12. Gavin | 7 November 2009 at 05:13
Hi Mary Jo,
Sure, i’d be happy to meet with them. my email is gavin.sword@fellows.kiva.org. I also am teaching a course on entrepreneurship while i’m here to university students. May be some overlap?
Thanks for your comment,
peace,
Gavin
13. Gavin | 9 November 2009 at 07:11
Mary Jo,
I just met Tom Allen at church on Sunday and he gave me Carter’s tel. number. Synchronicity! will connect with him this week and we’ll see where it goes.
Peace,
Gavin
14. Jane | 2 November 2009 at 22:38
absolutely awesome to hear about your children – and their brutal honesty. kids rock, as do you and your wife for making this endeavor!
15. Leslie | 3 November 2009 at 00:22
I am so glad Gavin posted this. I want to say that the children also enjoy being somewhere where they look like everyone else. And they are LOVING having built-in playmates. They delight in learning Kinyarwanda, and I have been astonished by the conversations they have had in the language.
I am the Black American daughter of a Filipino woman, and when my mom took me back to the Phillippines for the first 6 years of my life. I remember feeling confused by the different language, different quality of surfaces and fabrics, and I was definitely horrified by the bugs (cockroaches can FLY?!). But I also remember a feeling of freedom that was different from what we had in New York, and I know the children are experiencing that here. And now, even though I consider myself more American than Filipina, I appreciate the visceral memory of being a child there.
We don’t know what the effect will be on the children, but I trust that they will work it out in their own minds. They are wonderful, roll-with-it kind of kids, and I’m so happy that they are ours.
Gavin, thank you for writing this, and for being the amazing Dad that you are. I love you. I love our family.
16. guy kennaway | 3 November 2009 at 04:10
good post gavin; the spectre of moving into the ex pat community is appalling but utterly tempting; i love seeing the way your good intentions just don’t seem to be enough, and I love the way your children have got so snobby and judgemental. i exposed my kids to jamaica rural life, and they too turned their little white noses up at many aspects of it, and don’t particularly like it now, but it was good education. there’s a lot that doesn’t need explaining now they are 15 and 17. I thought ‘what are they trying to give us’ of the beggars was brilliant – it encapsulated so much of the north -ich/poor africa interface. I will defgintely be recyclying that.
very well described scene at the adoption clinic; i have to say i hope you aren’t thinking of adopting more. two is surely enough befoire you enter the bonkers territory of angelina and brad.
more posts, please. I am interested in mad business ideas that they come up with, and the attutude generally of the rwandans to the north/west/affluent.
keep well
17. Avani | 3 November 2009 at 08:29
Gavin. Reading this I felt as if I was 2 feet tall seeing Rwanda through your children’s eyes. What you stated about the experience of your little ones reminds me of my first experience living abroad (at 21!!!). I had many of the same questions, living in a developing country, even at that ripe old age. I eventusally learned that the beauty is in experiencing the full spectrum of life, that we in the “west” are sometimes not privy to, dirty and clean, hot and cold, rich and poor all juxtaposed next to one another in beautiful contrast. This is what they will remember about Rwanda, the chance that they had to see life unfold with all its complications each day, every day. And the connections they made, the pure human commections. Friendships. Hardships. Memories of how they endured something “different.”
18. Sandy Friesen | 3 November 2009 at 08:43
Creating memories that will last a lifetime and putting on paper your children’s story; they are truly blest to have such thoughtful, loving parents.
What a terrific read this was for me. Thanks for sharing from your hearts.
19. nanay | 3 November 2009 at 09:58
Dear Gavin,
I am deeply touched by your musings and had tears in my eyes at yours and Leslie’s great love for Christian and Savilla’s that you want “to do the right thing” for them. As commented by some who answered your blog, Don’t worry. Things will be all right in the end. You and Leslie love them and they know it. So they will be all right.
20. aqeela | 3 November 2009 at 12:44
Great article Gavin! I so admire your courage…..and humor:-).
21. Abbie | 4 November 2009 at 08:25
Dear Gavin,
You are the bomb! I cherish your honesty and the fact that there are no easy answers to the road we travel. We often think that we make choices and we know the outcome and then suprise! Keep us updated and I am beginning to invest in the projects as I can.
22. Geri Holt | 4 November 2009 at 18:09
Gavin and Leslie, What a wonderful post. I cannot tell you what a wonderful couple you both are and how fortunate both your children are to have such wonderful role models as parents. Of course you know how I feel about you both. You are truly on the right path with them both and I look forward to seeing and hearing more about them. Call me when you get back to Naples and we will definitely catch up. Until then be well and keep the love flowing. As always, Geri
23. SK | 6 November 2009 at 13:05
Wow – what a blog! It is so interesting to learn about your experience with your young children. I am sure their time abroad will be something they will cherish even though there are challenges now. Good luck with the rest of your fellowship!
24. Kelly KF9 | 7 November 2009 at 08:01
I continue to process the effects of my varying childhood locales. I complained for years about having to move to San Francisco.
Thank god for incredible parents.
Kiva Love to you and the family.
25. Jackie | 9 November 2009 at 07:08
Hi Gavin and Leslie,
I think what you as a family are doing is most wonderful! (Are you the first Kiva Fellows family?:)) Your little ones are so adorable! They are at the age for lots of questions about everything under the sun and then some. You are giving them experiences that many North American children can not have. All you can do is, as you said Gavin, make it the most positive experience you can. Take lots of photos of them in the milieu (which you are already doing) and create many postive anchors for them. They are blessed to have you and Leslie as parents, and it seems you are blessed to have these wonderful little people under your wings for a time too!
Thank you for all the work you are doing and for sharing what you do in your blogs!
Kindest regards and best wishes,
Jackie
26. FM, Aide de Camp | 9 November 2009 at 07:58
Great post Gavin!
It so amazing to hear about your experiences with Kiva, (and the “real” experiences that you’re sharing with your family).
Inspiring stuff Sir, …eveybody’s talking about it…..
27. Kiersten Mooney | 9 November 2009 at 12:27
Wonderfully raw and real! Great insightful reality for us all. You all are courageous! Blessings ~ Kiersten
28. Laura Fenamore | 9 November 2009 at 19:21
Gavin,
These photos tell a wonderful story to go along with your great words.
Thank you for leading as you do and for your generous way of being and giving in the world.
Peace, Laura
29. lethalsheethal | 13 November 2009 at 15:39
Wow I remember feeling similarly when I visited India as a child with my Indian-American family.
Great insight into your experiences.
Kiva love!
Sheethal
30. Ed Coambs | 13 November 2009 at 16:33
Dear Savilla and Christian,
Your father and mother love you so much it is amazing. It makes us adults so impressed. The two of you are teaching your parents so many lessons that not even a wise old man could. Only two beautiful children like you can teach you parents the lessons that you are. Thank you for entering your parents lives and teaching not only them so many lessons, but also teaching many other adults important lessons about cultural differences. You are changing the world and you don’t even know it.
Ed
Dear Gavin,
Your story has brought me to the verge of tears. Your willingness to be so bold is inspiring and humbling. The point to which you bring us to the orphanage (sorry to break the thought I should say has brought me to tears) is so overwhelming. My hearts breaks to think of the children left in the orphanage.
Please keep doing all that you are doing with your family you are making a difference. Keep trying, the impact is not always felt or seen now but will come in the future.
Much Kiva Fellows Love,
Ed
31. Gavin | 16 November 2009 at 23:39
Ed,
Just reading this now. Wow, thank you for your kind words. It has been and continues to be a moving and profound experience for sure. Kiva Love, G
32. Yolanda | 19 November 2009 at 19:51
Gavin, I loved hearing the childrens’ perspective on this adventure! I’m sure they do have a lot of questions, and they will have more if/when you come back and they have had that experience because they will see the western world with new eyes. I found it difficult to transition back after being in a village in Nicaragua for just a WEEK (and even though we had no running water and used a latrine covered in a thousand cockroaches, I was absolutely heartbroken to have to leave and come home) so I can’t imagine what it must be like to actually move to a culture so different from what you are used to. I think the choice that you and Leslie have made is WONDERFUL and will strengthen your kids – with each passing day a little more adjusting, until you don’t realize how much you have changed. And you probably won’t know the full extent until you try to come back, but what I found is that when I got back, that is when I realized how great the experience had been and how it had affected me more than I realized. I even laugh thinking about the cockroaches, sleeping on the concrete, eating the same thing every day, and being extremely dirty!!!
I’m thinking this is a GREAT idea, in spite of whatever doubt the challenges may cause!!!
Yolanda